Grappling with Loss and Grief

Does grief and loss prompt a spiritual crisis? Is the sense of loss from the events of September 11, 2001 different from any other loss in our lives?

An individual’s spiritual beliefs do not necessarily help people directly during times of grief and loss, according to former Jefferson Township resident Diane Howe, owner of The Open Lotus, a center for spiritual growth and healing in Franklin, NJ.

“I have seen people with great faith buzz very quickly through the grief, while others with seemingly the same level of faith, struggle for years,” said Howe.

“The only difference I see in the rate of healing is that people with strong spiritual beliefs might reach out more quickly for help because they know what it’s like to enjoy a strong spiritual connection and if they feel they are losing that, they may ask for help, whereas someone who never felt the benefits of a spiritual connection may believe that they can do everything on their own,” said Howe.

As a spiritual counselor and non-denominational minister, Howe said what she has observed this year are a great many people who are very much caught up in their own economic struggles.

In the past, around this time of year, Howe said many people would seek help with what they were feeling about Sept. 11, but this year, she said people are going through a different type of loss that has more to do with finances and unemployment.

“I’ve seen an increase in people seeking help based on what they are going through economically. They are losing their sense of stability, they can’t find a job,” said Howe.

When you have two people who were both working and now they’ve both lost their jobs, they begin to lose everything. Some are losing children to foster care because they can’t afford to take care of them,” said Howe.

“As the tenth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks approaches, some people may be in for an emotional roller coaster, experiencing mental distress, sadness or anxiety; and residents of New Jersey may be especially vulnerable due to our close proximity to the tragic occurrence in New York City,” said Carolyn Beauchamp, President and CEO of the Mental Health Association (MAHNJ) in New Jersey.

“Reactions may vary based on several factors, including how personally people were affected by the event, for instance if they experienced the loss of a loved one, or proximity to the event—having to flee as an evacuee, or as a first responder,” said Beauchamp.

Similar to the loss of a loved one in any other circumstance, the events of Sept. 11 and the loss that ensued is likely to summon a spiritual crisis. 

“In a sense spirituality is at the core of grief—if you understand spirituality to be ‘meaning-making'," said Joseph Primo, a former Hospice Chaplain who earned a Master’s Degree in Divinity at Yale University in End of Life Ethics and Counseling.

“When we experience a death, we begin to ask how could this happen? Why did this happen? So it is very much of an existential struggle,” said Primo, who currently serves as the Associate Executive Director of Good Grief, an organization that that helps children and surviving parents cope with the process of grief.

Established in 2003, the Good Grief Support Center opened on Sept. 11, 2007 in Summit, NJ and now serves families in almost 80 towns around the state.

Good Grief offers a range of programs to help young people ages 3 to 18 and their surviving parent recover from the losses in their lives.

Primo said, for those who have not made their peace with death and mortality, the experience can shake individuals to their very core.

He said the questioning around the personal experience of death almost inevitably morphs into larger and broader questions, such as why we are here, and what is the meaning of this existence?

Beauchamp said when dealing with grief and loss, whether it is related to the events of Sept. 11 or not, the best we can do is to focus on hope and resilience.

“For some, the best approach may be as simple as purposefully going about a regular routine, including exercising, attending religious services, or connecting with friends. It is especially important to maintain health and personal care, such as eating meals and taking required medications,” she said.

When dealing with the loss of Sept. 11 specifically, some may find more comfort in spending time with others and taking part in the commemorative events in the area since they provide a structure for experiencing this solemn occasion as a member of a community.

She said other ways of dealing with grief and loss might include keeping a journal or expressing one’s feelings in a letter to a trusted friend.

Speaking from a conservative Jewish perspective, Rabbi Moshe Rudin of Temple Hatikvah in Flanders said one of the most evocative, and maybe most difficult concepts for people to understand is one that has to do with the concept of the continuation of life.

“Chayei Olam means ‘life eternal’ but what exactly is it? How do we achieve it? What do we do with it?” said Rudin.

He said Chayei Olam, like almost all expressions in the Hebrew language, has more than one meaning. It can certainly be interpreted to mean eternal life, as in everlasting continuation of life. It can also mean Life of the World.

“Regardless of what lies beyond life, we are warned over and over again by our sources to not lose focus. Take care of the tasks set before you, says the Talmud, and what comes later will see to itself," Rudin said.

He added that the Dutch Jewish philosopher said it beautifully: “The business of the living is with life.”

As the Jewish High Holidays approach, Jews are encouraged to face the reality of death.

“Our liturgy demands that we examine the fact of our mortality, with visits to the graves of loved ones a part of the customs of the month of Elul preceding Rosh Hashanah,” said Rudin.

But while he believes in the continuation of life, he said in his tradition there is an emphasis on focusing on the here and now.

“I believe with all my heart that something within us survives death of the body and continues to both journey to places where ayin lo ra’ata v’ozen lo sham’ah—the eye has not seen and the ear has not heard—as well as to continue to somehow have access to those left behind, but these are not matters of faith, but of experience,” said Rudiin.  “However, I also know that we are discouraged from pursuing this path: we touch the enduring presence of our beloved departed at sacred moments for comfort and relief from the worst pangs of loneliness, but no more is permitted. The business of living is with life.”

For more information about our interviewees and their organizations, visit the following Web sites:

The Open Lotus http://www.theopenlotus.com/

Good Grief: http://www.good-grief.org

Temple Hatikvah: http://www.templehatikvahnj.org/

Mental Health Association in New Jersey: http://www.mhanj.org